Part 3: Boundaries vs. Expectations — Understanding the Divide
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At the heart of almost every strained relationship—between friends, spouses, or even
ministries—is a simple, painful misunderstanding:
We confuse boundaries with expectations.
And it’s destroying our peace.
What’s the Difference?
Let’s define it clearly
Expectation is what you assume someone else should do—often unspoken and rooted in your need, pain, or tradition.
Boundary is what you will do to protect your peace, your obedience to YHWH, and the integrity of your relationships.
Expectation says: “You should always answer my call.”
Boundary says: “If you yell at me on the phone, I will hang up.”
Expectation says: “My husband should know I’m tired.”
Boundary says: “I will ask for rest and leave the dishes until tomorrow.”
Expectation demands and resents.
Boundary communicates and releases.
Expectations are about controlling others. Boundaries are about self-control. And what does Scripture say?
“For Elohim has not given us a spirit of cowardice, but of power and of love and of self-control.”
— Timotiyos Bĕt (2 Timothy) 1:7, TS2009
Why Do We Confuse Them?
Most of us weren’t taught this. We were raised in homes, churches, or communities where sacrifice meant silence. Where peace meant people-pleasing. Where boundaries were labeled rebellious.
So we grew up thinking:
“If I love them, I’ll just do it.”
“If I say no, I’m being difficult.”
“If they loved me, they would just know.”
But this mindset creates passive resentment—and that’s not biblical.
Even Yeshua said no. Even He walked away from crowds. Even He chose boundaries in order to preserve the will of the Father over the will of the people.
“And He withdrew Himself to the lonely places and prayed.” — Luqas (Luke) 5:16, TS2009
What Happens Without Boundaries?
We begin to live in a false rhythm. Saying yes when we mean no. Showing up drained, bitter, and angry. Giving with the expectation of return.
And when people don’t meet our imagined expectations?
We blame.
We distance.
We implode.
But boundaries, when done in love, heal and protect.
They guard the garden of your heart so that what grows inside is fruit, not weeds.
Real-Life Examples
In Parenting:
Expectation: “My child should obey without question.”
Boundary: “If you choose to disobey, you’re choosing the consequence.”
In Marriage:
Expectation: “He should know what I want without me asking.”
Boundary: “I will clearly communicate my needs and be honest about my capacity.”
In Friendship:
Expectation: “She should always make time for me.”
Boundary: “If I feel neglected, I will gently express how I feel without assuming intent.”
In Ministry:
Expectation: “They should see how much I do.”
Boundary: “I serve unto YHWH, not man—and I will rest when He says rest.”
Scripture to Anchor In
Galatiyim (Galatians) 6:5 (TS2009)
“For each one shall bear his own burden.”
Mattithyahu (Matthew) 5:37 (TS2009)
“But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’”
Mishlĕ (Proverbs) 22:28 (TS2009)
“Do not move the ancient boundary, which your fathers have set.”