Raising Them Right: Between Rejection and Enmeshment

I heard something recently that stirred a deep reflection in me.

Many of us grew up in homes where one of two extremes ruled the parenting narrative:

“At 18, you’re out—either military or out-of-state college.”

Or the opposite: “I don’t ever want you to leave. Stay here forever.”

One seems harsh. The other seems sweet. But what if both are deeply broken? What if both distort what it means to parent in love, truth, and freedom?

We’re so often afraid of doing it wrong that we cling to control or we cast our children out before they’re ready. And both can wound a child’s spirit.

The first model—the "18 and you're out" approach—can breed deep emotional abandonment.

To many children, this doesn’t say, “I believe in you.” It says, “I’m done with you.”

There is little nurturing, little tenderness. Independence is forced—not cultivated.

It says:

These children often grow up battling rejection, low self-worth, and emotional distance in their own relationships. They may succeed outwardly, but inwardly they are still waiting for someone to say, “I want you here.”

This parenting style is often generational. The parent likely experienced the same form of emotional disconnect and simply repeated the pattern. But trauma handed down doesn’t become wisdom just because it’s old.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Qolasim (Colossians) 3:21, TS2009

Then there’s the opposite side: the parent who refuses to let go.

This may look like deep love, but in reality, it’s often enmeshment—when emotional boundaries are blurred and the child is treated as an extension of the parent’s identity.

This is not healthy dependence. It’s spiritual suffocation.

A child raised in enmeshment struggles with:

Identity confusion

Anxiety over separation

Guilt when asserting independence

They become adults who feel unsafe making decisions without approval, who over-apologize, and who struggle to find their own voice.

“Each one should examine his own work, and then he shall have boasting in himself alone, and not in another. For each one shall bear his own burden.” Galatiyim (Galatians) 6:4–5, TS2009

A parent's need for emotional security must never come at the cost of a child's freedom.

The Middle Ground: Parenting from Wholeness-

We must raise our children from a place of healing—not reaction. From identity—not insecurity.

We are not called to control our children. We are not called to abandon them either.

We are called to raise them up in YHWH, walk with them, guide them, and release them at the right time—not out of fear or fatigue, but out of trust.

But notice: it doesn’t say “the way you want him to go.”

It says “the way he should go.”

His way. Her way. Their divine design.

That way is something we must discern with them—not for them.

One of my biggest regrets was believing that shaping my child’s future for them was an act of love.

But I see now that I was robbing them of exploration. I thought I was protecting, but I was controlling. I thought I was guiding, but I was silencing their voice.

And I’m not alone in this.

So many parents say things like:

“You’re not good at reading, so be a police officer instead.”

“You need to continue the family legacy.”

But these words do more than shape. They steal.

They tell the child:

This is not leadership. It’s bondage.

We must never use our children to relive our glory days or redeem our failures. They are not our second chance. They are His first creation—and we are simply stewards.

Our blessing, not our expectations

Our presence, not our perfection

Our support, not our pressure

Our correction, not our control

They don’t need us to kick them out before they’re ready. They don’t need us to clutch them so tightly they never learn to walk.

They need us to be the ones who:

Pick them up when they fall

Let them dream

Cheer them on

Tell them, “YHWH made you for something beautiful. And I’m here, cheering you on.”

“All your children taught by YHWH,

And the peace of your children great.” Yeshayahu (Isaiah) 54:13, TS2009

If you’re reading this and see yourself in either side—don’t despair.

We’ve all missed it. We’ve all been learning in real-time, often while healing from wounds of our own.

But it’s not too late to parent from a healed place.

Repent. Repair. And re-enter your child’s life as a safe place of love, support, and truth.

“And He shall turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers...” Malʾaḵi (Malachi) 4:6, TS2009

Let’s be a generation that raises whole children—not from perfection, but from presence.

Take a moment today to reflect on the parenting legacy you’re continuing—or breaking. Whether you are a parent, mentor, teacher, or spiritual mother/father, your voice carries weight.

Speak blessings, not burdens.

Release identity, don’t rewrite it.

Ask your child: “What do you feel called to?” and listen deeply.

Repent where needed, repair what you can, and renew how you walk with them.

Try This:

Write a short letter to your child (or future child).

Then speak life over their journey.

Parenting is not about raising children to be what we need.

It’s about nurturing children to become who YHWH created them to be.

We don’t need to live through them—we need to lead them to Him.

Let us be the generation that repents, repairs, and raises up children who are:

Rooted in truth,

Released in purpose,

And radiant with identity.

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Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.

- Explores how early attachments influence emotional resilience and adult relationships.

Barber, B. K., Stolz, H. E., & Olsen, J. A. (2005). Parental psychological control: Revisiting a neglected construct. Child Development, 76(6), 1112–1130.

- Demonstrates how over-involved parenting impairs identity formation.

Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95.

- Shows that authoritative parenting (balanced guidance and support) leads to the most positive outcomes.

Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2010). A theoretical upgrade of the concept of parental psychological control. Developmental Review, 30(1), 74–99.

- Confirms that controlling parenting hinders emotional development and autonomy.

Heal the wounds in us that make us control or push away.

Help us to see our children the way You do.

Give us wisdom to guide without dominating,

And humility to repent when we miss it.

May our homes be a place of blessing,

Where our children rise up knowing they are seen, heard, and loved.

In the name of Yeshua,

Amein.