When He Doesn’t Lead: A Confession from the Waiting Wife
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"Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Master, because the husband is head of the wife as also the Messiah is head of the assembly...”
– Eph’siyim (Ephesians) 5:22–23, TS2009
I have a confession.
I struggle to let my husband lead.
It’s not because I want to be in control—though, truthfully, I do wrestle with that. It’s because I’ve known the sweetness of YHWH’s truth, and I’ve longed for him to taste it too.
I came to faith before him. I embraced Torah before him.
Like so many women, I sat alone with my Bible, tears dripping onto the pages, asking YHWH:
“Why me first?”
“Why not him too?”
“Why now—when our kids are almost grown?”
“Why does he lead others at work with such strength—but not us?”
At first, when he did try to lead, I corrected.
I sent him videos from male teachers.
Tried to connect him with mentors.
I tried not to preach—but I did.
Eventually, I stopped talking about Scripture altogether because it only created division.
The silence between us grew thick with unmet expectations and unspoken grief.
I became angry.
Angry at YHWH—for waking me up and seemingly leaving him asleep.
Angry at my husband—for not surrendering.
Angry at myself—for wanting it too much, too fast.
I just wanted a biblical marriage.
I wanted our children to see their father become a man of YHWH.
I dreamed of our family sitting around the table, Bibles open, hearts aligned.
But the reality back then?
He listened to worldly music over worship.
He celebrated worldly holidays.
He ate pork in front of me.
He chose work over spiritual things.
And I felt like he resented who I was becoming.
And I know I’m not the only one.
There are so many women like me—wives who love deeply, cry silently, and wonder if they’re wrong for wanting their husbands to lead. But this journey is complex. There’s trauma. There are church wounds. There’s shame. There’s the lie that some men quietly carry:
“I’m not good enough for YHWH to love me.”
Well-meaning people would say, “In YHWH’s timing.”
But I wrestled.
What if that time never comes?
What if he never believes?
What if he stays the same?
What if my obedience to YHWH ruins our marriage? What if it pulls apart our family?
The fear was heavy.
But YHWH reminded me of His promises, and I held on.
Here’s what I’ve learned in the fire of waiting:
Some women leave, unable to bear the grief.
Some stay, determined to love in faith.
Some grow numb, paralyzed in uncertainty.
Some are rejected altogether by unbelieving husbands.
I hold no judgment. This is not a one-size-fits-all journey.
But I can tell you this: there is almost always more going on than what we see.
Behind rebellion may be rejection.
Behind apathy may be wounds.
Behind silence may be shame.
And sometimes, the bravest thing we can do…
...is love him where he is.
Even if he starts by reading a children’s Bible.
Even if he only gives 10 minutes of spiritual effort.
Even if he fumbles through milk while we crave solid food.
Let him fumble.
Let him try.
Encourage him.
Honor him.
Pray for him—but don’t preach to him.
Stop trying to disciple him.
Stop correcting him every time he gets it “wrong.”
Stop tying your identity to whether or not he leads.
Instead, ask things like:
“Would you mind praying over the kids tonight before bed?”
“Would you be willing to bless the meal?”
“Can I pray over you before that big meeting?”
“Would you want to lead Sabbath this week?”
If he says no—don’t pout.
Say, “Okay—maybe next time.”
If he says yes—don’t critique.
Say, “Thank you. That was lovely.”
Even if it’s awkward.
Even if he stumbles through his words.
Even if it feels small and slow.
Let him grow.
Let him lead—his way.
Because sometimes, giving our husbands courage is more powerful than giving them correction.
“In the same way, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that if any are disobedient to the Word, they, without a word, might be won by the behavior of their wives, having seen your blameless behavior in reverence.”
– Kĕpha Aleph (1 Peter) 3:1–2, TS2009
This doesn’t mean you become voiceless.
It means your love becomes louder than your words.
YHWH sees you.
He sees your surrender, your tears, your prayers.
He is not done writing your story.
And neither is your husband’s.
Reflect and Renew
Have I unknowingly stepped into the role of spiritual headship out of fear or disappointment?
How can I encourage my husband without trying to “teach” him?
Have I asked YHWH for insight into his wounds—not just my wants?
Sample Prayer:
Abba YHWH,
Help me release control and trust Your perfect timing.
Give me grace when I feel impatient, and wisdom when I feel lost.
Help me love my husband as You do—fully and without pressure.
Heal what I cannot see.
Restore what has been broken.
Remind me that You are the One who builds our home, and You are faithful to complete what You begin.
Amen.
If this spoke to your heart…
You’re not alone in the waiting.
Join the conversation over at Humbled Happenings, where faith meets honesty, healing, and hope.